I cannot believe these people! I canceled my subscription before, but I am now calling the magazine to get a NEW subscription, so that I can cancel it again later today!

No, no. Better yet... I'm going to buy the entire magazine so that I can go into the office of every staff member wearing a Donald Trump style wig and yell, "You're so totally and everlastingly unemployed!"

Don't know what I'm talking about?

WELL, LOOK AT THIS, SPANKY:

Hey, live from Netroots Nation here!

I'm no good at typing fast so there will probably be a lot of mistakes, but even though I had to go through a full-body cavity search and sign a loyalty pledge (and agree to allow my phone and my email and my private thoughts to be tapped) I wouldn't have missed this opportunity for the world!

Dear Bill and Katherine:

I know we discussed you and your family coming to stay with us in Los Angeles, but I'm sad to say that our house is in the middle of foreclosure and by the time you get here, we will likely be homeless. FORTUNATELY, as Phil Gramm of the McCain campaign has stated, this is simply a mental depression and, as such, I have gone and imagined myself a four bedroom house with a pool in Beverly Hills! Therefore, if you'd like to mentally come stay at my imaginary house... just call our brain-butler Frank and he'll feed our newly imagined unicorn, Sparkles, so he's nice and strong to give your children a flying ride!

Due to Republican John S. McCain's recent troubles mastering the teleprompter, the Senator's campaign has organized a crack team of linguists, copy-editors, and speechwriters to publish "corrections" on the internet and in emails to press following all of his appearances. The first of these speech rectifications was issued this morning...

President Barack Obama will not lower your cholesterol.

He will not personally show up in your bathroom to give you a bikini wax.

And he will not inspire the local Catholic Church to start handing out "The Pope respects BOTH your reproductive choices and your gay lover!" bumper stickers...

Her name is Elaine May and she's fantastic.

Reds. Tootsie. Heaven Can Wait.

Really, really smart. Unbelievably witty.

I'd sell my writers soul to be her for a week.

And all her qualifications, Warren Beatty, Dustin Hoffman, and 34 million dollars couldn't save it from being a disaster one thousand times worse then your 3rd grade school photos.

Which is why the Clarke dust-up is both irrelevant and a trap.

     CENTRAL ISLIP, N.Y. (June 26) - A millionaire who inflicted years of abuse
     on two Indonesian housekeepers held as virtual slaves in her Long Island
     mansion was sentenced Thursday. The victims testified that they were
     beaten with brooms and umbrellas, slashed with knives, and forced to
     climb stairs and take freezing showers as punishment. One victim was
     forced to eat chili peppers against her will, and then was forced to eat
     her own vomit when she couldn't keep the peppers down, prosecutors said.

Ralph Nader on Barack Obama:

There's only one thing different about Barack Obama when it comes to being a Democratic presidential candidate. He's half African-American," Nader told the paper. "Whether that will make any difference, I don't know. I haven't heard him have a strong crackdown on economic exploitation in the ghettos. Payday loans, predatory lending, asbestos, lead. What's keeping him from doing that? Is it because he wants to talk white?"